Master has been playing a lot of mind games lately… i have a love hate relationship with His mind games. Mainly because He is too good at them. He will use them to push me further into my submission and show me what i am willing to do which usually i can see the positive from on the other side. Then He plays the ones that get to you and anger you so much that you lose hope on either side; you know you are required to go wither what He wants no matter what, but you have an active hatred for what He is calling you to do. Today, He has done both.
First, Master “threatened” to take away another one of O/our hard limits… the sharing of my nude photos publicly. Master came up with the idea that W/we would create a fetlife account where for now He could post nude photos of me being His slave, then once W/we were together start posting videos of O/our time in the playroom. He had me more than convinced that this would be the case and what would happen by the end of the night. This was very out of character for Master as he is normally extremely protective and closed off about any photos of me but especially nudes, but with all the changes that O/our relationship has had over the last two weeks i figured He had wanted me to be His public whore too. When He first told me about this, my body’s reaction shocked me… i was surprisingly turned on by it and could feel my pussy instantly grow wet with knowing my photos would be there for everyone to see. Then, as He continued to talk about it and i began to realize how serious He was, dread grew in the pit of my stomach… What if someone i know sees them? What if a future employer sees them? What if they keep me from being able to work with kids? But, as soon as i finally accepted that it was happening whether i liked it or not because it is my job to keep Him happy and for Him to use me, He began to ask me how He feels about sharing pictures. i realized the whole thing had been one giant mind game that went on for almost 10 hours. While at first i was so irritated that He would even think to do this, i quickly saw why. i saw my acceptance to Him being able to doing anything that He wants to me.
Then, there are the little ones that He plays nearly daily. These are the ones that frustrate me, that make my blood boil. Of course i know that i am to always submit to Him and put the desire to make Him happy above all else in my life. But, sometimes i can’t. Sometimes i want to be “normal” and not His public slut or put myself in pain or make myself cum for the third time that day even if i am horny. Today, it happened to be that He wanted me to go braless all day tomorrow. If you have read some of my other posts, you know that i am learning to love going braless for Him (i think learning would be the key word there); however, tomorrow i will be out of the house for the majority of the day and with my friends from my Christian sorority for most of it. i know i shouldn’t care if they notice or what they think, but the self-aware, college girl comes out in me. i want to be normal with them and not think twice about it. i tell Master this and He responds that i know what He wants and i am to do that. i hate this because it is like my heart and mind are being torn in different directions. i don’t know what to say or do. i know i will have to obey because i don’t want Him unhappy or me to be punished. But mainly i don’t want Him unhappy. Just as the pull of my heart starts to win over my mind, He unleashes the ultimate mind game “Ok then wear it.” This, of course, means absolutely DO NOT wear it. But it is that response that finally crushes me. i have now done what i didn’t want and i have entered a worse lose-lose situation and feel like i have to guard my every word. My head is angry, my heart is sad. The tears begin to flow from my eyes involuntarily. i know He will win in the end and i will listen to Him, but sometimes i just don’t want to even when i had been feeling my most “submissive.” i guess i have a long way to come as a slave still…
Behind the Gag 